In most couple relationships, there is often a tiger and a tortoise! Very rarely do I come across two tortoises but on occasion, there may be two tigers.
The partner who is ‘tiger-like’ tends to be the louder, noisier one who will get angry, shout, scream, nag, cling and blame when feeling hurt or upset.
The partner who is more ‘tortoise-like’ tends to withdraw, go quiet, avoid talking and generally retreat when feeling hurt, upset or angry.
Sound familiar!?
When I explain about the tiger and tortoise this is normally received with smiles and knowing looks to each other between the couple.
Most of us have learnt to cope in the world as children and teenagers but becoming a maximiser (tiger-like) or a minimiser (tortoise-like).
However, when it comes to our couple relationship when one partner becomes tiger-like, this makes the tortoise feel unsafe and they retreat. The more the tiger maximises through blaming, shaming, criticising, getting angry…the more the tortoise retreats further into its shell…which further frustrates the tiger…who becomes more tiger-like!
And vice versa! When the ‘tortoise-like’ partner ‘minimises’ by retreating and avoiding this frustrates the tiger, leading them to be even more ‘tiger-like’!
A tiger and tortoise can live happily & peacefully together!
You have another ‘Job’!
The ‘job’ of the ‘tortoise’ is to learn to come out of their shell by sharing and expressing their feelings…this helps the tiger to calm down…making the tortoise feel safer.
The ‘job’ of the tiger is to learn to manage their emotions and ‘pull-back’ giving the ‘tortoise’ space to come out on their own and feel safe.
So normally each partner has a ‘job’ and when we do our part, then it brings out the best in the other person.
Wishing you well on becoming less ‘tiger-like’ and less ‘tortoise-like’ on the couple journey towards a safer loving connection.
