Relationship Problems

October 8, 2021 by Gary Janit Leave a Comment

The couples struggle is a common problem

One of the most common enquiries I get is for couples counselling. It would appear that anxiety and relationship problems are affecting so many lives. These are the two problems that tend to show up most in my therapy office. This brief article will highlight some of the common relationship problems couples experience. It will explore the signs that the couples are struggling with their relationship. And it will offer some ideas about how to solve their relationship problems without breaking up.

Signs of relationship problems

There may be some typical signs of when there are difficulties in your relationship. These include:

Communication may be minimal and might be negative.
Differences are criticised rather than appreciating that each partner has a valid view.
Couples may find that they are spending less time together and also having less fun together.
Arguments are frequent, with the same triggers and frustrations recurring without being resolved.
It could be that one partner indicates that they are not happy and that they feel the relationship is in trouble.

Another sign of a problem in the relationship is when the couple is unable to listen to each other, not able to hear the other person’s perspective. This inability to discuss relationship problems often leads to the issues remaining unresolved for many years. The danger is that couples get used to finding other ways to manage their hurt and pain.

Bigger issues

Sometimes these relationship problems mentioned above can lead to more serious difficulties. These might involve affairs and betrayals or even separation and divorce. I call these ways of coping, ‘exits’.

‘Exits’ are ways the partner ‘leaves’ the relationship without working on sorting out the problem with their spouse or partner. ‘Exits’ drain energy from the relationship. And they lead to further and often bigger problems that become even more difficult to resolve.

How to solve relationship problems without breaking up

Unfortunately, the separation and divorce rates are extremely high. Research says that these days over 50% of couples end up divorced or separated.

I normally explain to couples that there is another option rather than separating. That option is to work very hard on building their relationship connection. Like anything, to have success in an area of one’s life, one needs to invest time and effort. So too, our relationships require time, effort and thought for them to be successful.

It can be helpful to take time to focus on what is good about one’s partner. Then taking time to put these appreciations into words, sharing them with your partner. Gratitude and appreciation I believe is an area that can make a huge difference in improving a relationship.

Many couples stop having fun together due to various commitments. It can be helpful to make a weekly time to have fun, doing enjoyable things. Many couples try and have a weekly date night. Making time to listen and share is of course a very important way to begin solving difficulties and problems in the relationship.

An exercise I sometimes suggest to couples is to have daily ‘talking time’ where each partner gets 10 minutes to say whatever is on their head and heart. The other partner just listens without interrupting or disagreeing.

Can others help improve your relationship?

So, in conclusion, it is normal for couples to struggle and have problems arise in their relationship. There are some common signs of relationship difficulties. Fortunately, there are ways to improve the relationship. Sometimes the couple may need some outside help such as couples counselling or relationship coaching.

Who to talk to about relationship problems?

Couples counselling is ideal for addressing relationship issues in a safe space. I try and provide a therapeutic space for the couples I work with to learn how to reconnect with their other half lovingly and compassionately. The couple learns how to talk and listen to each other without any shame, blame or criticism. They also learn how to focus once again on the positive, fun, enjoyable parts of the relationship that first attracted them to their partner.

Most couples leave it far too late to get help for their relationship problems.

Be in touch to discuss the various online and in-person options to get your relationship back on track.

Online couple therapy

May 12, 2020 by Gary Janit Leave a Comment

This week is Marriage Week in the UK!

Service your car? Why not service your relationship?

Online couple therapy is that yearly service.

couple holding hands to show what online couple therapy can lead to

Did you even know that there was such a thing as marriage week? I didn’t and found out by accident. I’m super excited to know that there is such a concept. Let me tell you a bit about it as well as opportunities for online couple therapy and coaching.

Marriage Week is an annual celebration of marriage and relationships. The main message of marriage week is a reminder that marriage is necessary and worthwhile investing in. Research shows that stable families make for happier children and grown-ups. Married couples (or partners) who work at their marriage or relationship are more likely to stay together. They also have a better chance of finding ongoing happiness.

Each Marriage Week has a theme. The purpose of this theme is to provide a focus for couples to work on some aspect of their marriage at least once a year. The aim is for couples to invest in their relationship and to keep caring and nurturing it. Marriage week gives a boost to couples. It is an opportunity to reflect and enhance the relationship. Online couple therapy makes it easier than ever to tap into this relationship-enhancing opportunity.

‘The Forever Conversation’.

couple holding scrabble pieces that spell out the word 'forever' which is what online couple therapy can help the couple achieve

This year’s theme is an invitation to reflect on your relationship as it is now. Then to take stock and to ask where the relationship is heading. What might the future look like in your ideal marriage or relationship?

To help with taking stock of the relationship, I offer a comprehensive online assessment. The couple fills this out individually in the comfort of their own home. This then provides a detailed outline of the couple’s areas of strength as well as the areas to work on and grow into.

There are many powerful and easy to use exercises and skills. These will enhance the positive in your relationship. Additionally the powerful insights, knowledge, and tools will provide ways to manage the more challenging parts of the relationship. These may include enhancing communication and working through frustrations in helpful ways.

The relationship vision exercise is a life-changing exercise. It helps the couple to focus on their shared vision for your ideal love relationship.

wedding rings on top of a page in a dictionary with the word 'marriage'. Online couple therapy can lead to a happy marriage

There is no better time than Now!

What better a time to work on your relationship than now! Especially when times may be challenging due to the current coronavirus pandemic.

It would appear that many relationships are struggling. This may be due to the stress of being in lockdown. Or due to being at home with one’s partner and possibly childcare stressors as well.

With many couples stuck at home, this is a wonderful opportunity. A great opportunity to find out more about how easy it is to access online couple therapy. So many couples are spending more time with each other than they normally do. Couples may also be experiencing more stressors than normal. This may be impacting negatively on the relationship.

A healthy marriage is a skill. Couples can learn new skills and gain insights that can turn a good relationship into a great relationship. A great marriage or relationship can be learned, just the same way as someone can learn a new skill or trade.

Your most important investment!

Invest in your relationship for the sake of your marriage. This investment could be the most important undertaking you do for your children. Create a safe space for your relationship. A safe and nurturing space that your relationship can grow in. That same space is where your children will develop. So why not invest in your relationship.

This current time of challenge during the coronavirus is also an opportunity. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be able to look back at this time as a time of growth in your relationships? To be able to come out of this challenging time with a healthier and more connected relationship with your loved one.

Online couple therapy

I offer couples a thorough online assessment. This provides a detailed view of the relationship. Couples each separately fill out a detailed online questionnaire about their relationship. This feedback provides me with an in-depth analysis of the relationship. From here we have some follow up sessions that focus on highlighting areas of strength that the couple is doing right. We also look to find the areas of growth that will lead to creating as healthy a marriage as possible.

I will provide you with effective knowledge and tools to make this possible.

Help is available by giving you life-changing information, inspiration, and tools. This will give you and your loved ones the best chance of lasting connection and happiness.

Be in touch to find out more. gary@cbttherapymancheser.co.uk or 07931721637

UK National Marriage Week 2020 is 11th – 17th May.

Relationship-Enhancing Idea # 3: Closing Exits (don’t leave it too late)

October 19, 2018 by Gary Janit Leave a Comment

Relationship-Enhancing Idea # 3: Closing Exits (don’t leave it too late)

Knowing that it is normal to experience hurt, pain & frustrations (the power struggle phase) in relationships, don’t just leave it but seek help early to be able to experience real love again.

Last time we learnt that following the ‘honeymoon phase’ (phase 1) couples will encounter the ‘power struggle’ (phase 2). This is normal and not a sign that anything is wrong. It is an opportunity for growth.

The mistake most couples make is that they do not seek help early enough. Harville Hendrix says that most couples leave it on average seven years too long before finding a good relationship therapist or coach.Continue Reading

Relationship-Enhancing Idea # 2: Frustrations are normal!

October 10, 2018 by Gary Janit Leave a Comment

DREAM RELATIONSHIPS

Relationship-Enhancing Idea # 2: Frustrations are normal!

Conflict, frustrations and differences in your relationship are normal! You are in stage two. Stay with them, listen, validate and feel more connected through them.

Following the ‘honeymoon phase’ (phase 1) all couples will encounter the ‘power struggle’ (phase 2). This is normal and not a sign that anything is wrong.

There is no escaping phase two so better to be prepared for it and find a helpful way to manage rather than ‘exiting’ through avoidance, blame, shame, criticism or any other strategy that does not directly and respectfully deal with the frustration.Continue Reading

Relationship-Enhancing Idea # 1: The Power of Appreciation

September 17, 2018 by Gary Janit Leave a Comment

DREAM RELATIONSHIPS

Relationship-Enhancing Ideas with Gary Janit

Relationship-Enhancing Idea # 1: The Power of Appreciation.

“In any relationship that matters to you, give praise and appreciation daily. Noticing and appreciating the good in others enhances the connection between you and creates a healthy relationship space”.

Putting your appreciations of your spouse or partner into words can transform your relationship and literally save your marriage or relationship.

Frustrated in your relationship? Arguing more? Feeling let down?

April 16, 2018 by Gary Janit Leave a Comment

You are probably in phase two and that is normal!

What happened to my wonderful romantic relationship? What are we not getting on anymore?

There is a reason for why there are more frustrations, hurt and pain in your relationship now…

Relationships typically go through a number of phases. We all know about the ‘honeymoon phase ‘ where everything feels wonderful, as if you have known your partner forever. It feels as if your needs are being met and that this person just gets me fully. During this phase your brain is literally releasing a number of good feel chemicals. It is like being on a high…cloud nine.

Benefits of commitment in your relationship

April 12, 2018 by Gary Janit Leave a Comment

Image result for investing in your relationship quotes

“Couples in conscious relationships recognise that the committed partnership is a remarkable structure for healing and growth. As partners excavate the past and learn about one another – their unmet needs and lifelong desires, vulnerabilities, wounds, strengths and resources – they can begin to work cooperatively to bring their unconscious directives into consciousness” (Imago International website).

Commitment is needed from both partners to work as fully on the relationship as possible. Taking full ownership for what I can do to make this relationship healthier and better. How do I need to ‘show up’ for my partner or spouse that will bring out the best in them. How can I bring ‘safety’ to my relationship. Doing my 100% of my 50% towards my relationship.

Pain & Discomfort are an opportunity for growth

April 11, 2018 by Gary Janit Leave a Comment

In relationships we may look at conflict, difference and pain as a ‘bad thing’ but actually frustrations and conflict can be an opportunity for growth…see the following quote below.

When couples can see frustrations as an opportunity for growth, the relationship takes a different journey…

Related image

Watch this YouTube video of Abraham Twerski talking about how lobsters grow! And what we can learn from the discomfort that lobsters go through. Keep in mind the frustrations and pain we may feel in our relationships…Continue Reading

A must watch – The Power of Connection

April 11, 2018 by Gary Janit Leave a Comment

This will change the way you view life and the way you view your relationships.

Hedy Schleifer is a master Imago couple therapist who beautifully talks about the invisible ‘sacred space’ that exists between couples. If only we could all live according these ideas…honouring each other, respecting difference and living with an open heart.

Sharing Appreciations

November 28, 2017 by Gary Janit Leave a Comment

The idea is simple but powerful – take a moment to think of something you appreciate about someone in your life – a partner, spouse, friend, child, teacher, headmaster etc.

This appreciation could be something that drew you to that person originally or perhaps it is something you’ve come to know, love, admire or appreciate about them over the time you have known them. It does not matter whether it is something big or small but just something they do (or something about them as a person) that brings you a good feeling.

Perhaps pause and take a moment to think that appreciation you’d like to share. Then share the appreciation when the moment is ‘right’ and the other person will be able to hear you. Share it with feeling and show a little vulnerability for a bit of spice. Then see what happens!